On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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