i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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