Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
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and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
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I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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