I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
