dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
