Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
