I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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