I think I won the penis lottery.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Please don't give away my fajitas
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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