i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
