Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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