i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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