i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
