I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She bit a glass in half.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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