Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
