He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
