I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
