Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
