He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
