omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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