Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?