tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
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We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen