I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
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We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged