I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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