Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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