i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize