i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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