Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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