At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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