Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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