So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
