Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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