Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
