I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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