just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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