youre lurking in front of me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
