is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
