um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
