She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
