ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
