I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
