if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
did you just send me my own nude
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
