Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How does it feel to date your dad?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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