ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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