Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
