So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
