my mouth tastes like poor choices
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
