you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
