Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
