btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
