Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
