Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
