I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
