there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
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Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
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after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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