Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My vagina just clenched in fear
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
