____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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