it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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