4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
