i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
