I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
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Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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