When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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